Wednesday, January 26, 2005

insomniac session #2

Hello again, well this is the second issue of the insomniac sessions.

Actually, it is not the second time I have been awake "early" in the A.M. There have been several other times, but with those the timing was closer to the time I normally get up, hence, I qualify them as "waking up early".

This however, is truly an insomniac moment. It is 2 A.M. That is too late to qualify as "I can't get to sleep" and far too soon to qualify as "I just woke up early".

My last documented insomniac moment (from this point forward I will refer to insomniac moments as IM's) was a nothing is bothering me moment, just wide awake time. Not so with this IM. This time I am thinking, worrying, and stewing about one thought after another.

Describing what is going on in my head would provide good evidence that I suffer from Adult ADD {} But I assume that this is just the IM talking and I am really a normal adult that is up at 2 A.M. typing a considerably public journal entry just like everyone else.

Everyone else does this right? Right?

Moving on.

It appears that the spark which set off this IM session was "change". Not just any change, but significant and unexpected change. In a previous note I mentioned of the unexpected changes that happened to some friends.
There was of course the unexpected world-wide event of the tsunami.
But now, a bit closer to home and on a personal level, there comes change to my career.

Segue alert!

I currently work for a company that makes airplanes and other aerospace stuff. They do many other things but basically that is their claim to fame. I work in the information technology arm of this company. My hobby is computers. My job is computers. I really enjoy doing anything with computers. So bottom line is my job and my hobby match. It is fun, interesting, some times exciting AND I get pay for it.

I have worked on the IT side of electron lasers, satellites, military planes, commercial planes, accounting (Okay, that was pretty boring, but it was computers!), portals, video productions and most recently search engines. There have been many other IT jobs, such as data center manager for educational institutions and some time with an online book seller, but the majority of my career has been with one company. A company where you can change interests as desired. {perfect for that ADD part that pops up from time to time.}

Segue off!

As you may be able to tell, I am comfortable with change. However, not all change is comfortable. Unexpected change is the spark for IMs. My company, as may be the case with many large companies, is one Dilbert moment short of being their own comic strip. It is one of those moments that has me awake this time.

Remember, IMs are personal. What seems large and overwhelming to the IM sufferer may appear as a trivial moment to just "buck up" to by the outsider. This is one of those.

My job, my management and those around me are experiencing unexpected change. My unexpected change is that my job is moving organizations and thus the person I work for will most likely change. Not a big deal. Well, no. The unexpected-ness was how I found out. A leadership position was vacated and a job opening notice was published. Normally, I blow by these announcements because the politics of work do nothing for me. Besides there should be no politics in your hobbies. That's what makes them enjoyable.

However, this notice highlighted because it contained information about my current job. I read in surprise that the service I currently perform was now part of the responsibilities of this leadership position. Hence, this would mean a new boss. Of course this is probably the perfect alignment for this function and some time in the
future this change will make perfect sense. At this time, I am lost in the lizard brain moment of the change, so it does not appear all that clear.

The points about why this change occurred and how I found out about it are the reasons I sit in front of this screen at 2 A.M.

That's silly you say? Why would that make for an IM? Well, if that was all, then right you are. But those were just the sparks to ignite the myriad of other "fears" held safely but rather tenuously in their container.

Everything from getting older to worrying about my children; from will my relationship last to how bald I am going to get; from can I retire soon to what if I don't do... whatever. One after the other. Back and forth. Major and insignificant.

It was as if all these thoughts were held back by a huge dam and the job thingie was this little kid that walks up to the dam and says "hey, what's this loose stone?" You can figure out what happens next.

So hear I sit, worried/thinking about huge things as well as every other little thing in the universe (getting better at drama, don't you think?). Creating a public diary. What the hell was I thinking?

Oh, never mind, don't get me started!

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