Sunday, January 16, 2005

have you ever wondered why things just don't feel right?

Once again an early morning finds me sitting in front of my laptop and wondering.
Wondering about purpose. Wondering about getting older. Wondering about love.

Of course, wondering can be taken at least two ways.
The first is the questioning or the inquisitive side.
The second is the sense of awe or to marvel about something.

Well, this morning it is both. Events happen that involve others and sometimes you can only wonder why.Catastrophes occur and we are found wondering why them; why now; or just why. Fortune smiles and we are found wondering why me; why not me; why now;
or again just why.

However, there are times when unexpected events come to light that shake our core and you are left just wondering. These events sometimes don't directly involve you, so the surprise is more intense. Such an event occurred yesterday.

Because this life changing event occurred to others and is of a sensitive nature, I will not detail it here. All I will say is this occurred to and about some friends.
My expectations (more about these later) were pointed in one direction and reality shocked me into a temporary left turn.

I thought I knew what love, friendship, and purpose was all about until this surprise. For a little while I wondered, if this can happen to people I thought
were so connected, how would it be possible for my partner and I to succeed.

A uneasy sense hovered around me and it was as if someone had disappeared. They had not. Yet, I was "missing" someone, something. It was definitely gone. But exactly what was missing?
Everyone involved was still here.
Circumstances had changed.
Life would not be the same. But that's not bad. Right?
Change is good. Right?

My wondering brought me back on track. Trying to decide what was gone, I found only more questions. It looks like it comes down to expectations. Yes, it is that simple.

Watch out, segue alert!

My partner and I were coping with her having to work late, when I stumbled across a class at work that talked about expectations. The example given (which I have probably used before) was one which matched our situation. Let's say that Harry needs to work late and calls home saying that he will work longer but will try to be home by 6 PM. Let's also say that Maggie too needs to work late and calls home saying that she will try to be home by 8 PM. Now they both arrive home at 7 PM. Unfortunately, Harry is now late while Maggie is early. The receptions at home may be quite different, though each arrived home at exactly the same time.


We found that this worked for us.
Creating realistic expectations removed the tension, stress and guilt in dealing with this current situation.
Okay, it isn't perfect, but we are new at this... things will improve.

Segue off!

I had expectations about relationships both for mine and for others. The thing that was hovering was my expectations. Since my expectations no longer matched the reality , I was left wondering.

Wondering why this happened.
Wondering what was going to happen now.
Wondering if the same thing could happen to my partner and me.
Wondering why we are so happy together.

Perhaps we are not meant to know all.
Perhaps the wondering is the path to knowing that has no real end.

From time to time, it is good to have your core shaken.
It helps reset expectations.
I am sadden by recent events. I offer whatever I can provide, if it is needed or desired.

Now, I am wondering why the woman sitting next to me, IS sitting next to me.
I have reset or remembered my expectations.
Live well. Laugh often. Love deeply.

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