Wednesday, January 26, 2005

insomniac session #2

Hello again, well this is the second issue of the insomniac sessions.

Actually, it is not the second time I have been awake "early" in the A.M. There have been several other times, but with those the timing was closer to the time I normally get up, hence, I qualify them as "waking up early".

This however, is truly an insomniac moment. It is 2 A.M. That is too late to qualify as "I can't get to sleep" and far too soon to qualify as "I just woke up early".

My last documented insomniac moment (from this point forward I will refer to insomniac moments as IM's) was a nothing is bothering me moment, just wide awake time. Not so with this IM. This time I am thinking, worrying, and stewing about one thought after another.

Describing what is going on in my head would provide good evidence that I suffer from Adult ADD {} But I assume that this is just the IM talking and I am really a normal adult that is up at 2 A.M. typing a considerably public journal entry just like everyone else.

Everyone else does this right? Right?

Moving on.

It appears that the spark which set off this IM session was "change". Not just any change, but significant and unexpected change. In a previous note I mentioned of the unexpected changes that happened to some friends.
There was of course the unexpected world-wide event of the tsunami.
But now, a bit closer to home and on a personal level, there comes change to my career.

Segue alert!

I currently work for a company that makes airplanes and other aerospace stuff. They do many other things but basically that is their claim to fame. I work in the information technology arm of this company. My hobby is computers. My job is computers. I really enjoy doing anything with computers. So bottom line is my job and my hobby match. It is fun, interesting, some times exciting AND I get pay for it.

I have worked on the IT side of electron lasers, satellites, military planes, commercial planes, accounting (Okay, that was pretty boring, but it was computers!), portals, video productions and most recently search engines. There have been many other IT jobs, such as data center manager for educational institutions and some time with an online book seller, but the majority of my career has been with one company. A company where you can change interests as desired. {perfect for that ADD part that pops up from time to time.}

Segue off!

As you may be able to tell, I am comfortable with change. However, not all change is comfortable. Unexpected change is the spark for IMs. My company, as may be the case with many large companies, is one Dilbert moment short of being their own comic strip. It is one of those moments that has me awake this time.

Remember, IMs are personal. What seems large and overwhelming to the IM sufferer may appear as a trivial moment to just "buck up" to by the outsider. This is one of those.

My job, my management and those around me are experiencing unexpected change. My unexpected change is that my job is moving organizations and thus the person I work for will most likely change. Not a big deal. Well, no. The unexpected-ness was how I found out. A leadership position was vacated and a job opening notice was published. Normally, I blow by these announcements because the politics of work do nothing for me. Besides there should be no politics in your hobbies. That's what makes them enjoyable.

However, this notice highlighted because it contained information about my current job. I read in surprise that the service I currently perform was now part of the responsibilities of this leadership position. Hence, this would mean a new boss. Of course this is probably the perfect alignment for this function and some time in the
future this change will make perfect sense. At this time, I am lost in the lizard brain moment of the change, so it does not appear all that clear.

The points about why this change occurred and how I found out about it are the reasons I sit in front of this screen at 2 A.M.

That's silly you say? Why would that make for an IM? Well, if that was all, then right you are. But those were just the sparks to ignite the myriad of other "fears" held safely but rather tenuously in their container.

Everything from getting older to worrying about my children; from will my relationship last to how bald I am going to get; from can I retire soon to what if I don't do... whatever. One after the other. Back and forth. Major and insignificant.

It was as if all these thoughts were held back by a huge dam and the job thingie was this little kid that walks up to the dam and says "hey, what's this loose stone?" You can figure out what happens next.

So hear I sit, worried/thinking about huge things as well as every other little thing in the universe (getting better at drama, don't you think?). Creating a public diary. What the hell was I thinking?

Oh, never mind, don't get me started!

Sunday, January 16, 2005

have you ever wondered why things just don't feel right?

Once again an early morning finds me sitting in front of my laptop and wondering.
Wondering about purpose. Wondering about getting older. Wondering about love.

Of course, wondering can be taken at least two ways.
The first is the questioning or the inquisitive side.
The second is the sense of awe or to marvel about something.

Well, this morning it is both. Events happen that involve others and sometimes you can only wonder why.Catastrophes occur and we are found wondering why them; why now; or just why. Fortune smiles and we are found wondering why me; why not me; why now;
or again just why.

However, there are times when unexpected events come to light that shake our core and you are left just wondering. These events sometimes don't directly involve you, so the surprise is more intense. Such an event occurred yesterday.

Because this life changing event occurred to others and is of a sensitive nature, I will not detail it here. All I will say is this occurred to and about some friends.
My expectations (more about these later) were pointed in one direction and reality shocked me into a temporary left turn.

I thought I knew what love, friendship, and purpose was all about until this surprise. For a little while I wondered, if this can happen to people I thought
were so connected, how would it be possible for my partner and I to succeed.

A uneasy sense hovered around me and it was as if someone had disappeared. They had not. Yet, I was "missing" someone, something. It was definitely gone. But exactly what was missing?
Everyone involved was still here.
Circumstances had changed.
Life would not be the same. But that's not bad. Right?
Change is good. Right?

My wondering brought me back on track. Trying to decide what was gone, I found only more questions. It looks like it comes down to expectations. Yes, it is that simple.

Watch out, segue alert!

My partner and I were coping with her having to work late, when I stumbled across a class at work that talked about expectations. The example given (which I have probably used before) was one which matched our situation. Let's say that Harry needs to work late and calls home saying that he will work longer but will try to be home by 6 PM. Let's also say that Maggie too needs to work late and calls home saying that she will try to be home by 8 PM. Now they both arrive home at 7 PM. Unfortunately, Harry is now late while Maggie is early. The receptions at home may be quite different, though each arrived home at exactly the same time.


We found that this worked for us.
Creating realistic expectations removed the tension, stress and guilt in dealing with this current situation.
Okay, it isn't perfect, but we are new at this... things will improve.

Segue off!

I had expectations about relationships both for mine and for others. The thing that was hovering was my expectations. Since my expectations no longer matched the reality , I was left wondering.

Wondering why this happened.
Wondering what was going to happen now.
Wondering if the same thing could happen to my partner and me.
Wondering why we are so happy together.

Perhaps we are not meant to know all.
Perhaps the wondering is the path to knowing that has no real end.

From time to time, it is good to have your core shaken.
It helps reset expectations.
I am sadden by recent events. I offer whatever I can provide, if it is needed or desired.

Now, I am wondering why the woman sitting next to me, IS sitting next to me.
I have reset or remembered my expectations.
Live well. Laugh often. Love deeply.

Wednesday, January 12, 2005

the perfect example of Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle (HUP)

Today I read an article about Google whacking.
GW is the ability to enter 2 words into the Google search box and have it return only one result.

Thinking that this was a pretty darn cool thing to play with, I tried one of the examples in the story.
To my surprise, the first example returned 3 results not 1. I thought "how lame", the article was wrong.
However, undeterred I entered the 2nd example and sure enough multiple results came back.

Now, of course, I am thinking that this reporter really did not do her research and was just publishing hear-say info.
But wait, I looked at the results and what do my wandering eyes spy, yes the results now hold references to the very article on Google Whacking that I am reading.

Ahhhh, enlightenment beams its warm glow. By measuring or in this case writing about a subject, the reporter has affected the results.
I have heard this somewhere. Oh yea, high school physics. The Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle roughly stated says -
~ the experimenter's measuring, changes the results of the experiment ~

So in this case, Google has indexed these new items as well as the original reference, now causing the Google Whack to disappear.

Some say Google has a god-like influence. Well, I don't know about that... but I figure that any mere search engine that can prove a scientific principle is pretty darn amazing.

So, the result of this is the perfect challenge. Google Whacking is perfect! You can play but don't tell of your success. If you brag to the universe, "god" will find you and put back in your place amongst the rest of us. ;-)